been way too busy and fucked up to write the past few days.

again, he's made me dive head-first down into the depths of emotionless purgatory from the high point i was at.

i hate this.

i don't need to be treated like this.

i don't owe anyone anything.

wait...maybe i do.

i owe myself aplenty.

i guess this 14th of february is gonna be a non-issue, just like the other seemingly big days in other people's lives.

there's the birthday...the various celebratory holidays...then the anniversaries.

i do not celebrate any of these purely because there's nothing to celebrate.

i'm one of those people who feel extremely low when other people jump for joy when christmas comes by.

never in my life have i ever received, nor given a valentine. so hell...i shouldn't even be contemplating anything this year. oh, by the way, i was disappointed again. it felt painful for a while, then i chided myself...managed to keep from feeling stupidly weak.

i've decided. no matter how badly i had hoped to go for that concert with someone, i think i'll go alone. if not for the concert, at least for a walk down the waterfront. i need to remind myself how stupid it is to feel so victimized. i need to be able to walk with my head held high in the sea of cookie-cutter models.

i need to be strong. i need to be.

but if all those dates are non-issues, why am i ranting about them all the time?

and why do i cry whenever they swing by?

"i hope he doesn't disappoint you anymore" - cookie.

the way i see it, i've been setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment all this while.

i always knew that it's never going to occur, but somehow, i'd allow people around to convince me of the good that's in him.

of course, i know there's good in him.

cookie says he doesn't understand him. he's known him for almost 7 years and he realizes he doesn't know him...odd thing is he thinks he knows me better.

i guess most of the guys do know him for what he is - cocky, casanova, every girl's dream date.

what they don't get is the man i see - still cocky, pained, confused, scared shitless, coward, clueless when it comes to the people he loves.

he's not my dream date. he may think he's a casanova, but not in my books.

but the fact remains that he won me over. and that's something to think about.

what the hell serene?

check this out...i'm freaked.


Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

last night was the zenith. it was pure craziness.

jas, yingli and i went for a movie...and a midnight one at that.

it was fun...and this is the kinda bonding i hope we call can have.

big daddy fenix said he's never talked to anyone in YCS the same way he's spoken to me. and he's glad that we mesh so well.

well i'm glad too big C (the cookie monster).

he said they never had that much bonding in the past...and that it's different now.

i'm thinking everything that's happening now isn't coerced, and that it's all pretty natural. i guess we just feel so comfortable with each other we can dispense with all that formality crap.

yingli had wanted to keep me out till i was totally exhausted so i'd just go home and crash...and not think about anything else. i'm glad i stayed out.

cuz the moment i woke up this morning...all those thoughts came flooding right back...haha.

big C and i spent quite a bit chatting. and i asked jiahao as well if he thinks i'm real. he said he doesn't know.

what he did say though...was how sisterly i was...haha.

yingli...both cookie monster and i have agreed to let you into the sesame street gang. we sorta agree that you're the "elmo" type...but please feel free to tell us who your favorite character is so we can bestow its name upon you...haha. don't worry, we won't judge...haha.

let our sesame street spirit be so widespread no one ever knew hatred...

sunny day, sweeping the clouds away
on my way, to where the air is sweet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to sesame street...