i didn't manage to meet the 11.30am deadline today...oddly enough, i still feel somewhat satisfied with myself.

my usual perfectionist self would beat me up over such supposed "trivialities".

i guess today started out good, that's why.

as i cut through the blocks and headed to the mrt station, i encountered this old man walking his dog on the stairway. he paused as he descended the first few steps. as i continued to ascend, i noticed that he was pausing for me...to make sure that i could run up the flight of stairs without him and his golden retriever blocking.

that wasn't just it. as i looked up at him, he gave me one of the warmest smiles i've ever seen.

and because of that, no matter how stressed up internally i was, i felt calm and systematic (which hardly ever happens...).

with all the grumpy old men i've encountered in the mornings over the course of the past two weeks, this one changed everything.

if he could smile at a stranger so early in the morning, no one should be able to excuse themself because they "aren't morning people".

i will start smiling at people who meet my eyes from today.

imagine how just one simple gesture can make someone's day.

tears aren't so bad after all.

when you've had a good cry, all your frustrations and emotions just seem to dissipate.

i guess i've teared enough over the week...but somehow, those feelings of discontent and hurt still exist.

so i suppose crying is like drinking - it's temporary comfort. and everything just comes gushing back like a tsunami a while later.

before the show, i said i didn't want to fall in love. i guess i've never really verbalized it until today. and it's oddly sobering to hear the words come out of your own mouth. funny how regret seemed to take over as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

post "what matters most", i admit how no one can control falling in love. people may fall into comas and get amnesia, but no one can ever forget how he feels. your head may be blank, but your heart still beats. and i guess even if you can't remember loving a certain someone, your heart will beat slightly faster on seeing that person...and that'll make you wonder why.

so trying to forget is of no use. the more you try to do it, the less successful you are.

heed your own advice serene. don't rush things.

everything in its time.

i would never have expected anyone to question the existence of the SSTT.

for the unconverted and ignorant, the SSTT is the Sesame Street Tag Team.

when i told the other guys about this fella who asked why we existed, they were shocked.

but since someone had posted that question to me, i shall answer.

the sstt came about pretty naturally...there was no effort at all in forming it. and i believe that bonding starts at the bottom...if we can start bonding as a small group and we succeed, and people see that we succeed, it's a fantastic example of what we're about. and that's what ycsog is - we stick by each other. because it's our unity that makes us so special. that's what we want to see from the boys...as well as educate and equip them with more skills...expose them to what other scouts are doing, so they won't feel as left out. i'm not saying we can do it, but we will try.

there you go.

elmo asked if there was a need to justify our existence.

i guess not.

we need to be so comfortable with each other that while we don't need to be updated on everything each of us does, we need to be able to trust each other to make the right decisions.

as i've told them...over time, the name "sstt" will be changed to "ycsog".

because we build bonds that will never break.

i had so wanted to just crash into a deep slumber.

i had wanted to forget about the happenings of the past week, as well as this morning.

but now...i want to remember this night for a long time to come.

tonight, a little boy made me an innocent, yet significant promise.

this boy has been going through shit of late, yet he's been a total rock for me...keeping me from falling and all.

he'd walk with me to yangzheng much earlier than he was supposed to be there.

he'd stay in the scout den with me while i would be rushing through my work feverishly.

he'd offer me that great smile of his...which was especially helpful when i broke down today.

today was an emotional rollercoaster ride. i don't even know how i got through the day...or the morning.

first thing this morning felt like i was transported back to camp new hope in mcgregor, minnesota.

my cookie friend acted up and started punching everything in sight.

frankly, i was scared shitless. but i somehow managed to run after him and stopped him from doing a few stupid things. nevertheless, he still ended up with bleeding knuckles.

then after, things seemed to be fine until, once again, i got angry at a particular person and couldn't even bear to speak to him anymore. i guess everything just came at me and i couldn't handle it. the moment i sat down, i started tearing and soon, mere tears turned to breathless sobs.

let's cut to the chase. after i got home at about 6 plus in the evening, i got an sms from the little boy.

he asked if i was all right, and asked me to keep smiling. to which...i replied i was fine then, and told him not to worry.

he then replied that he really wants to give me a hug. i told him i really needed a hug then (much earlier), but i'm fine now and thanks for the thought anyways.

then he said it was because i cared so much for him that he wants to return that care. and he can't bear to see me sad.

that did it for me. but there's more...

during the course of the past 3 hours or so, he's been pouring his troubles to me, at the same time, trying to keep me from falling.

i knew he was depressed because his msn nick was changed to "i am crashing". he was feeling too stressed up by surrounding circumstances.

i guess we just tried to lift each other up...and i told him i that i don't know how much longer i can stand "caring", because i was afraid i'd crumble from the weight of other people's problems one day.

he said not to worry, for he'll be there. and he'll hold me up when i'm about to fall.

so i ask what if i crumble without warning. and he says i cannot simply crumble because he needs me to hold him when he's falling as well.

so yes...we agreed to remind each other how we'd get through this period of sadness and tough times together.

we agreed to be there to hug each other when the going gets tough.

and his simple promise was evident in his new nick: "although i may be crashing, but i will still be there for you".

i love you little one.

and for you, i will not fall.