i slept on it...and what's left is the residual effect of a teary night.

i'm writing this as i watch "planet food" on discovery travel and adventure...they're introducing mexican food. i so miss my tortillas and tacos.

my eyes are still the same (one big and one small)...my head's somewhat heavier...and i still need to get out.

"big daddy fenix" is back...haha...and he msged me last night. alas, i was already asleep on tears.

i felt relieved when i got his msg, because it means i'd see him today and tomorrow...and that's a good thing.

i need a swearing buddy now.

today was fun. it was raining for most of the time, but it was fun.

the running around took me away from the expectations that surround me, even if for a little while.

i guess i knew i was stressed somewhat, but i threw it all into busying myself; tiring myself out.

at the end of the day, i decided to walk home. i thought the weather was perfect for taking in.

instead, the moment the van drove off, i started tearing. it got so bad i almost crouched at a corner in the HDB block next to the school to calm my nerves...but well, i just kept walking.

and i thought the rain would soothe my pain.

i don't know how the hell i could put up such a brave face in front of those guys.

i'm hurting so much inside right now and they don't have a clue.

nobody has a clue.

i wish for you to be silent
that way no one would know
the pain you've put me through
and why i let you go

i tried so hard to forgive
with my heart and soul i did
but then i came to realize
the hurt could not subside

i wish you could be me for a day
that way you'll see it's true
a person can ony take so much
but for you i'd gladly do

all that's in the past now
the show must go on
i thought i'd help you by hurting me
but now i see i was wrong

we've come to the end of our road
i hope this finds you well
i blame myself for not helping you
become a better man

i'm sorry.

something i stumbled upon in my notebook. think i wrote that almost three years ago...can't really remember why i wrote it though.

today was lazy.

spent most of the day at home, simply chillin' and relishing my new bedspread and quilt cover.

i really should go to bed now.

good morning serene!

serene cannot feel.

she should not feel because once she does, end of story.

it'll be tough to pull her outta her space right now.

the only thing you can do is to listen and be there for her. so if and when this happens again, you'll be there to keep those tears from falling.

because she knows that you are there for her. and nothing else matters.

i'm thoroughly ashamed of myself.

i had thought myself to be stronger than that.

i scoff at those who get weak in the presence of feelings.

today, i scoff at myself.

get a grip you wussy...you're better than that.

i need someone to yank me outta this.

as mark and i stepped out into the humidity, he sighed and took off the sunglasses perched atop his head.

it was pouring.

i tried to hide my smile. to me, rain was good. don't get me wrong. i love the sun, but the rain came at the right time.

i felt quite daunted in the session with mark today because i simply wasn't progressing the way i wanted to. today, it seemed like i couldn't quite grasp everything as fast.

i got so stressed up that i wanted to burst into tears. but the moment i saw the rain, that feeling just went away.

perhaps it was the element of water...i don't know. like...someone else is weeping, so i shouldn't.

whatever it was, rain's good today.