i'm feeling sad today.

no wait...i'm feeling sad this evening. this morning i was mad.

i'll deal with the "madness" of it all this sunday, when i take to my stage. but the sadness i gotta deal with now...

sigh...i'll spill the beans on the "surprise" since it ain't gonna happen.

last night i came up with this thing about catching him after he gets off work on new year's morning. i had wanted to kiss him. yes i know it's a stupid thought...especially if he gets off work in the wee hours of the morning...but i just suddenly thought of doing it.

then i started contending with pride. it feels that i'm getting way too emotionally involved.

so i smsed him before dinner. i asked what time he'd be getting off work, and he asked why and what i thought of doing. i told him not to question and just tell me. he kept pressing me for a reason and finally relented that he might be doing something then.

problem solved. i didn't need to oppress pride any longer because it was already crushed. when he kept asking me what i had planned, i told him there was no point in telling him anymore cuz it's not gonna happen anyway...

after that i told him to have a good night at work, and said that i had just wanted to kiss him.

bye bye pride.

i can't believe how much pain i'm feeling right now. i must be the biggest loser in the world...sitting alone in my room, blogging...and crying my eyes out on new year's eve.

i feel so lonely right now. so very very lonely.

i 'm not craving for physical companionship...i just feel so utterly empty.

i tried to keep myself from being alone tonight...because i knew it would lead to this. it's the same every holiday. i hate holidays. they always get me so down.

i knew this christmas was unreal.

oh god...i really need a hug right now. i do. help...please don't let me sink back into oblivion...please...don't.

you know what? i suppose i would've taken a cab down in the morning just to give him that one kiss...even if it's the stupidest thing i'll ever do.

i'm a stupid girl. a stupid girl who's home on new year's eve, crying her eyes out and wallowing in self-pity.