i've been thinking an awful lot about mr beasley.

it speaks of how how fast cars and bling bling don't mean nothing, because she loves him for his personality and soul.

if material items don't come into the picture at all when people fall for each other, then there'd be a lot of happy couples in the world...and hardly talk of break-ups.

let's face it, every domestic or relationship problem probably stems from the same thing - dosh.

sure...everything starts off hunky-dory. you whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears at extremely close proximity, steal kisses under the moonlight by the esplanade waterfront, lie side by side and simply enjoy each other's company.

and just when you think love can conquer all, doubts start to creep in as one party starts to wonder if the other is freeloading because it seems like he/she's always been paying for this or that. "is she using me?" is probably the usual refrain...

and if time equals money, then not spending enough time with her will also mean you don't spend enough on her...meaning you're a freakin stinge-ray.

my friends have always "seen" me with mature, successful, tall and strong...perhaps even caucasian. i don't know what i've done to create that sorta impression.

so naturally, people start questioning my going out with him. then i start questioning myself.

he's a real sweetie...yes, he can be annoying at times, but he has a good heart. in the past couple of weeks, he's shown how affectionate and sensitive he can be. he sorta behaves like he's all that, but it's probably to mask that soft spot within. he could be a huge softie...but male ego prevails and that teddy bear's stifled.

"i'd like to see your eyes through those goggles that you're wearing, don't try to hide away."

i see so much pain in him sometimes...he probably doesn't realize it but i do. to know of the pain and not be able to hear of it is, perhaps, as painful as the pain itself.

as the new year draws nearer, i'm ashamed to find myself thinking if he'd be part of the new equation.

i feel guilty telling people how he and i could never fit together because we're too different.

i just wish...he'd give me something more to work on...to show me that we really aren't that different.

i'm falling for him, and i don't even realize it.