there are so many...so many thoughts that're gushing through my mind right now.

ironically, the influx of different scenes playing out came when i had a typical channel 8 drama playing in the background while typing.

now, waiting for terence's report to come in, i finally get a chance to write this.

frankly though, i can't grasp the root subject...my life's been sorta turned upside down for a bit, and after watching those scenes from the drama serial (which i hardly ever do, by the way), i feel pained...yet ready to take on the world again.

often, i get really depressed because i feel i've been slacking. the depression makes me take on more work, and while i lament doing all that, i feel more productive at the same time. but because i take on that much more, i sink further. i cry for nights at a time and the one thing that's totally unpredictable is how i snap out of it. if i had an antidote for yanking myself outta my downside, you'd bet i'll milk it to its fullest. but i really don't know what gets me out of that state...everytime.

it could be waking up to the refrains james ingram's "you to me are everything" or hearing corrinne may singing "cuz now i'm gonna give love a try...". it could be walking down chinatown, on my way to work, and realizing that people do turn to look. or...it could simply be baby waving at me by his kitchen window...

i can't say that i'm terribly stressed out right now...and with the amount of things that're on my hands...i don't know.

you tell me if i should be feeling unproductive.

here's what i have to do by saturday:

1) call two people to arrange meetings and meet up with them sometime within the week

2) try to score an interview with a ceo and go for that

3) design a banner

4) translate some text from english to mandarin for the banner

5) voice add-ons and compile two cds for a seminar

6) read and comment on taitong's proposal for the scout unit for sunday's meeting (PRIORITY cuz i've been putting it off for three weeks now...)

7) do up a proposal for my program with the scouts during their weekend camp (2nd PRIORITY cuz the meeting's this sunday as well...)

8) get my english and mandarin content down pat...(okay...this is a no brainer.)

these are goals i set for myself...and yes, i know it looks crazy.

i seriously feel so caught up in everything else but myself, and for many, this might be a good thing. but i realize i have a problem with self-esteem, and i do need to be able to feel worthy sometimes.

please don't feel like you need to talk to me about the stuff i'm writing here. these are the times i'd like to sort things out by myself. and i know you're worried...but...this is gonna make me stronger. honest.

there is yet another thing i realized today. the singapore idol auditions are on the 5th of June. the scouts weekend camp starts on the 5th of June as well. i have a program with the scouts then. there's the conflict.

i tried hard to overcome whatever pride i have about doing the auditions. i almost did it. i even got my friend to agree to stay overnight at my place the night before so we could go down early the next morning to camp out for the rest of the day.

now, i'm stuck in the middle. music is my life. i'd love to sing for people. i'd love for even one more person to hear me sing. i've come a long way...from the time i kept my voice only to myself.

but...i made a committment. and that promise, i know i cannot break.

there are things i want to do for myself. then there are things i know i need to do for others.

i guess...you know what my choice will be.

some things will just have to wait.

if things were that simple, i wouldn't be tearing right now.