i wrote this stupid song on the spur...weird thing is that this is the first time i've managed to complete a song so fast. i must've really felt something while writing it.

i so hate feeling this way cuz it renders me totally useless. guess i just need an outlet or something to satiate my thirst...i'm not sure what kinda thirst it is though. went to this party in zurich and it certainly posted some pretty potential lookers. but alas, perpetuating the already obvious presumption, they were all arrested by the skimpily-dressed, blonde and blue-eyed. i hate to admit it, but i guess almost all men who hang out at parties and such have some sorta hidden agenda. for example, they might have made a bet amongst themselves to see who'd get the most number of digits on a napkin, or perhaps who'd score with the hot chick in the corner. whichever the case, it truly was disappointing to see how such grown men (or are they still BOYS) were acting.

i've gotten a couple of responses to the email i sent out...the one with the stupid teeny-bopper lyric-ed of a song. this was the very first time i had the courage to share some of my writing with people on a wider basis. of course, i still ain't sure why i felt so strongly about this one song.

the idea of the song stemmed from how this pretty boy wouldn't give this girl the time of the day because of how she looks. this girl then wishes she could possess all the beauty in the world to arrest him and get him to look at her in a different light.

i've always felt like the wallflower, even if people keep telling me i'm not. please realise i'm not exaggerating when i say that i don't get that much attention really. of course i'd love for a guy to like me for my intellect, as well as for the way i look. but i was never, and neither am i now, comfortable with my looks. i just can't take compliments on my looks and such. one guy called jeff asked where i got so much angst from since i wasn't "an ugly duckling anyway". well, jeff didn't know me when i was younger. i was awkward, skinny and full of insecurities...pretty much like i am now (cept for the "skinny" part). so i grew up, amid several turbulent conditions...but there's still the little girl in me screaming to get out of that cage full of fleeting tension and nerves.

what you're seeing is the serene of today. she's tougher and seems more level-headed than anyone else her age. but deep down, she's still that someone who was mocked and disappointed...most of her young life.